When I was a little girl, people would always ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. And you know what I would tell them? “I want to be an ice cream truck driver.” While most of the other kids would say they wanted to be firefighters, doctors, or lawyers, I had this vision of riding around in a shiny pink truck covered in neon flowers, as I would put smiles on all of the children’s faces as I made them rainbow snow cones on a hot summer day. I wouldn’t have the classical ice cream truck music playing; instead, I would have dance party music blaring from the speakers, and fluffy pink boas lining the windshield. When all of the children in town would hear my music, they would come running out of their houses, pulling their parents by the hand as they raced to the front of the ice cream truck line. What could possibly be a better job than that? Life was simple back then – eating ice cream made me happy, and I couldn’t imagine anything better than surrounding myself with tubs and tubs of ice cream that I could share with other people to make them happy too.
While I no longer want to be an ice cream truck driver and would now tend to choose the chic black convertible over the shiny pink truck, I have never lost sight of the power of a simple action to change someone’s day, their weekend, or their life. But in the midst of making countless children happy as they would drip SpongeBob ice pops down their pressed school uniforms, it is inevitable that even at age five, one of my underlying motivations for wanting to become an ice cream truck driver was that I would get as much ice cream as I wanted for myself. It was a simple formula – I loved ice cream, I wanted as much of it as possible, and I would do whatever it took to make that fantasy a reality.
Even at a young age, I realized something that I hated to admit, yet knew all too well was the reality – that no matter what I might say to try to convince people otherwise, that underneath all of the pink fluffy boas and desire to do good, that it really was all about me. While it is an amazing feeling to change the lives of those around you, the true motivation underlying why we wake up each morning, eager to start working recklessly towards our goals is inevitably tied to what we want to get out of it. It has to be. Otherwise, we might as well kick our feet up and let the guy next to us pick his brain about how he can create the next big thing.
As time passed, the social expectations that I was immune to as a child started to come into play, and I no longer felt it was socially acceptable to live in a state of ignorant bliss. Deep down, I think that I always knew what really motivated me to work as hard as I did, but in many ways, I reached a point where I was too afraid that people would look down upon me if I was to admit what I really wanted. So instead, I learned to sugarcoat things – to give a ‘political’ response when asked what I really wanted – to appear selfless and put the well-being of others before my own. As much as I wished that I could be as compassionate as I appeared while giving my fabricated responses when speaking on panels and chatting with guests at dinner parties, I knew that there was a disconnect between what I was preaching to the choir and what was in my heart.
While there are undoubtedly times when I think it is beneficial to refrain from telling the whole truth when speaking to an audience, there is one person that you should never deceive (no exceptions) – and that is yourself. The first step in achieving personal and professional success is to take the time to understand what it is that you really want. What drives you to push your mind and body to unspeakable limits to accomplish the goals that you’ve written on the post-it note on your desk, or in the journal that you keep under your pillow? What is in your individual pot of gold at the end of the tunnel? What would winning in your lifetime really look like? If you are not able to clearly identify and admit to your selfish motivations, then you are not going to feel fulfilled when you reach different milestones along the way.
If you are truly putting yourself on the line and working effortlessly towards the deepest wants in your heart and mind, you should feel vulnerable every single day – excited by the wins, motivated by the losses, and intrigued by what is yet to come. If what you do each day does not make you feel alive, it is highly likely that you are working towards achieving someone else’s dream, rather than working towards your own. If this is the case, there is likely a disconnect between what you really want and your daily actions. This disconnect can stem from a few different places: either you are not being honest with yourself about your true selfish motivations, you don’t fully understand what you really want, or you are afraid that you might appear to be a ‘bad’ person if you show the world what lights a fire in your belly.
While there was a period in my life when I was initially unsure of what it was that I really wanted, I think that over time, it was mainly fear that was holding me back from embracing my selfish motivations. I was afraid that in many ways, if I was to admit to myself that I was driven by things that I claimed to look down upon (such as money, power, and status) that it would somehow make me a bad person. But I realized that the first step in feeling a new level of personal fulfillment was to be honest with myself, and to accept myself for who I really was and what I wanted. After coming to terms with the things that truly motivated me, I didn’t know what to make of it. Over time, I realized that my day-to-day actions were not aligned with my true selfish motivations, and that I needed to make some significant personal and professional transitions in order to set me on a path that would allow me to achieve those long-term goals.
Once I found it within myself to admit to what I really wanted, I finally worked up the courage to share my true motivations and aspirations with one of the people who I respect most in my life. While I was somewhat relieved that I was finally beginning to understand what I really wanted, I was nervous that once he (in addition to many others) learned these things about me, that they would think of me differently – that in many ways, everything that they had come to like about me would be nullified by motivations that were seemingly less pure on paper. He seemed so humble and outwardly kind, that I was afraid that he might not respect me as much if he saw the raw and unedited version of my desires. But after sharing some of my selfish motivations with a self-acceptance that his opinions of me could absolutely change, he came to show me that admitting to being driven by things like money, power, and status didn’t make me a bad person, but rather an honest person.
While I initially felt that because I had these selfish motivations, I was somehow worse than many of the seemingly kindhearted people around me, he helped me to see that almost everyone desired at least one or two things similar to the motivations that I had. And while I was afraid that being honest with both myself and those closest to me would somehow push them away, it turned out that coming to terms with who I was and being accepting of what I wanted did quite the opposite – while some of our underlying motivations and approaches may differ, he showed me that he could ‘respect someone who pursues their own desires passionately more than one who halfheartedly pursues what others will think is right or good.’
I came to see that if someone who I truly respected was accepting of these deeper and ‘darker’ parts of me, that maybe others in my life would be too. While I don’t think that it is essential to share your personal motivations with everyone in your life, I do think that there are various benefits in sharing your motivations with those who mean the most to you. Not only will this new level of honesty bring you closer to the people who you share your secrets with, but it will grant them the level of understanding that they need to have in order to help you to achieve your own goals. You deserve people in your life who don’t only tolerate but who celebrate who you are as a person – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Now all you have left to do is to let them in.
Rather than telling you that you are wrong and trying to change you, they will help you to find your own way. Your deepest motivations and desires are a big part of what makes you uniquely you, and if you give people that you trust the access to these deeper parts of your heart and mind, I think that while it may make you feel vulnerable, you will be pleasantly surprised by what comes out of it. While each of us is ultimately our own biggest advocate, there are always people out there working towards the same things you are; and though not everyone will be on your side or be accepting of your true self, the people who truly care about you as a person will always be there to help you to get closer to what it is that, deep down, you really want.